Here’s to the flawed brilliance of Uwe Boll!
Director Uwe Boll is notorious as one of the worst filmmakers in the world, a status that he’s aware of. He has described himself as “the number one hated director on the planet;” Boll is essentially the German Ed Wood but with a penchant for bloodshed. Since the early 2000s, he has churned out a steady stream of stinkers, usually video game adaptations, though they often bear little resemblance to their source material. Most of his projects have bombed at the box office, but that hasn’t stopped him from returning to the director’s chair.
Boll’s films are usually characterized by low budgets, amateurish acting, and unrealistic dialogue, a combination that frequently produces unintentional humor. Consequently, many of his films have so-bad-it’s-good energy and can be particularly fun to watch in a group. These are the ten worst Uwe Bool movies that, when watched ironically, can actually be quite enjoyable.
10 ‘Seed’ (2006)
Starring: Michael Paré, Will Sanderson, Ralf Möller, Jodelle Ferland
“I want you to KILL him, and I want you to put him in the ground so he can never come back again.” Possibly Boll’s most brutal movie, Seed centers on Maxwell Seed (Will Sanderson), a deranged serial killer who survives his execution by lethal injection. The prison staff bury the still-living Max in the cemetery, but he naturally breaks free and is decidedly pissed. He embarks on a vengeful rampage, targeting those who have wronged him.
Seed is essentially Boll’s statement against capital punishment, as well as his indictment of society. “I want to show how broken the human species is,” he said of it. It’s not his most abysmal project, picking up speed in the second half, but it is incoherent and packed with unnecessary scenes. On the plus side, 2.5% of the film’s worldwide sales were donated to PETA, so at least there was some silver lining to this depraved exercise.
9 ‘BloodRayne’ (2005)
Starring: Kristanna Loken, Michael Madsen, Ben Kingsley, Michelle Rodriguez
“I would sooner rot in your dungeon than sit at your table!” Adapted from the video game franchise, BloodRayne strives to be an action-packed fantasy adventure steeped in vampire lore. Instead, it’s a camp disaster marked by a graceless narrative structure, shocking dialogue, obviously fake wigs, and atrociously choreographed fight scenes. Screenwriter Guinevere Turner (American Psycho) said that Boll only retained 20% of her script, dubbing the resulting film “the worst movie ever made.”
BloodRayne
is a camp disaster, marked by a graceless narrative structure, shocking dialogue, obviously fake wigs, and atrociously choreographed fight scenes.
That said, the silliness produces some fun moments, and the evident confusion and weariness on the actors’ faces is entertaining. In particular, it’s genuinely wild to see Ben Kingsley playing an evil vampire lord. He’s like The Master from Buffy the Vampire Slayer if he’d been written by a 9-year-old who was really into anime. Michael Madsen, on the other hand, said he enjoyed working with Boll, although even he admits that BloodRayne is “an abomination […] a horrifying and preposterous movie”.
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8 ‘Far Cry’ (2008)
Starring: Til Schweiger, Emmanuelle Vaugier, Udo Kier, Natalia Avelon
“You’re just a simple boatman.” One of Boll’s biggest box office bombs is Far Cry, his adaptation of the first-person shooter. It stars Til Schweiger as an ex-special ops agent enlisted for a mission on a South Asian island. Despite the popularity of the games, the movie is said to have grossed less than $1 million against a $30m budget. One can’t have much sympathy for Ubisoft; given what Boll had done to BloodRayne, they knew exactly what they were getting themselves into.
Most unforgivably, the film bears little resemblance to the game, essentially using the title just as bait to lure unsuspecting viewers. Instead of the rough-and-tumble action of the video game, Far Cry serves up juvenile jokes, wooden acting, and laughably pathetic action sequences. One notably lackluster moment occurs during a boat chase, where the boat jumps a ramp in a mundane fashion, lacking the expected spectacle. It’s hilariously bad but perfect for a boring afternoon looking for something to watch.
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7 ‘Rampage’ (2009)
Starring: Brendan Fletcher, Michael Paré, Shaun Sipos, Lynda Boyd
“What separates us from the animals? It’s our conscious. It’s our ego.” This thriller delves into the dark recesses of one man’s mind as he unleashes a reign of terror upon his small town. Bill Williamson (Brendan Fletcher) feels marginalized by society. Armed to the teeth and clad in body armor, he embarks on a relentless killing spree, targeting unsuspecting civilians and law enforcement alike.
Rampage
is provocative, dealing with subject matter that most directors wouldn’t get close to.
Unusually for a Boll movie, Rampageactually earned decent reviews. The director tones down the lunacy and ups the quality of the action sequences, resulting in a handful of genuinely solid scenes. Rampage is still provocative, dealing with subject matter that most directors wouldn’t get close to, but it’s more mature than the rest of Boll’s blood-soaked filmography. Sure, some of the dialogue is awkward, and the political commentary has the subtlety of a jackhammer, but it’s certainly watchable. However, as a result, Rampage makes the director’s other movies seem even worse by comparison.
6 ‘Assault on Wall Street’ (2013)
Starring: Dominic Purcell, Erin Karpluk, Edward Furlong, John Heard
“There’s not a person on this Earth that’s worth over a hundred million dollars that came by that money honestly.” It seems like Boll was buoyed by the relative success of Rampage and decided to explore the same themes with this action movie. Unfortunately, Assault on Wall Street is a ridiculous misfire, a primal scream of a movie with shoddy production values.
It’s essentially Boll’s movie response to the 2008 financial crisis, focusing on Jim (Dominic Purcell), a hardworking security guard whose life is shattered when he loses everything in the economic crash. Like the main character in Rampage, Jim decides to vent his frustrations through gunfire. He armors up and launches a brutal assault on New York’s financial district, culminating in a showdown with SWAT teams. Along the way, Jim delivers the expected cliched and simplistic monologue about the evils of capitalism, which sounds like the rantings of a child who has just lost at Monopoly.
5 ‘Postal’ (2007)
Starring: Zack Ward, Dave Foley, Chris Coppola, Jackie Tohn
“You know there are all those rumors out there that my movies are financed with Nazi gold?” Yet again, Boll tells the story of a man on a killing spree (after three movies, this preoccupation starts getting a little concerning). Postal is a video game adaptation in which Postal Dude (Zack Ward) crosses paths with a doomsday cult, plans a heist, and wages a one-man war against Al-Qaeda.
Postal
‘s ridiculousness and poor craftsmanship become somewhat charming, provided one leaves good taste at the door.
While Postal looks better than most of Boll’s work, the plot is aimless and shallow, functioning just as a means of connecting absurd characters and scenarios rather than a real story. Fundamentally, the movie aims to shock and offend, throwing in nuclear war, giant scrotums, bird flu, and appearances by Bin Laden and George W. Bush. Postal is sloppy and unhinged, but for the right kind of viewer, it’s a fun hate-watch. The ridiculousness and poor craftsmanship become somewhat charming, provided one leaves good taste at the door. Also, what is J.K. Simmons doing in this movie?!
4 ‘Bloodrayne 2’ (2007)
Starring: Natassia Malthe, Zack Ward, Michael Paré, Chris Coppola
“Softball season is looking pretty grim.” BloodRayne 2 continues the story of the dhampir warrior Rayne (Natassia Malthe), who hunts down supernatural threats all over the globe. This time, she heads to the Wild West, where a vampiric Billy the Kid (Zack Ward) is plotting to raise an army of undead cowboys. The movie is essentially a vampire Western, but it’s more near-miss than Near Dark.
Production quality-wise, BloodRayne 2 is a little better than its predecessor, which is hilarious, given that it still has a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. The sequel is less corny and not as flagrantly dumb as the first one, which makes it less enjoyable to watch, as there’s not as much outrageous material to laugh at. It takes itself seriously despite the story feeling utterly parodic. For example, there’s a scene where a character delivers the line “Life is like a penis” with a completely straight face. It sounds like an outtake from a Forrest Gump porn parody.
3 ‘In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale’ (2007)
Starring: Jason Statham, Leelee Sobieski, John Rhys-Davies, Ray Liotta
“In my world, the king’s army is expected to protect the kingdom, not just the castle.” The usually reliable Jason Statham leads this action fantasy as Farmer, a humble family man whose peaceful life is shattered when his village is ravaged by marauding Krugs, savage creatures controlled by the malevolent sorcerer Gallian (Ray Liotta). Determined to rescue his kidnapped wife, Solana (Claire Forlani), Farmer sets out on a perilous quest across the kingdom of Ehb.
It’s surreal that Boll put together this movie, but he did, and watching the late Ray Liotta play a dark wizard is enough to justify a viewing. The film’s brazen ripoff of LoTR gets grating after a while — Boll even cast Gimli actor John Rhys-Davies in a lead role. Plus, the power metal soundtrack is enjoyably ludicrous. In other words, In the Name of the King‘s chaotic energy and audacious approach to Hollywood filmmaking make it an unforgettable ride, flaws and all.
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
- Release Date
- November 29, 2007
- Cast
- Jason Statham , Ray Liotta , Leelee Sobieski , John Rhys-Davies , Burt Reynolds
- Runtime
- 127 Minutes
- Writers
- Jason Rappaport , Doug Taylor , Dan Stroncak
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2 ‘House of the Dead’ (2003)
Starring: Jonathan Cherry, Ona Grauer, Tyron Leitso, Enuka Okuma
“Guys, check out this book. Looks pretty old, maybe it’ll help us!” This is Boll’s shambolic take on the classic zombie video game franchise. House of the Dead centers on a group of college students who travel to an island rave party, only to find themselves stranded and under siege by hordes of bloodthirsty undead. As the night descends into chaos, the survivors must band together to fight for their lives and uncover the island’s dark secrets.
The end product is brainless, with dialogue that feels intentionally bad but isn’t. Indeed, the storytelling here makes the original House of the Dead arcade game look like 28 Days Later. In addition, the main characters are simply not very likable, serving merely as fodder for the gory scenes, and their whining and snide comments make one almost root for the zombies. The accidental comedy at least compensates for many of these flaws. Critics eviscerated House of the Dead, but it now enjoys a bizarre reputation as a classic of bad filmmaking.
House of the Dead
- Release Date
- April 11, 2003
- Cast
- Jonathan Cherry , Tyron Leitso , Clint Howard , Ona Grauer , Ellie Cornell , Will Sanderson
- Runtime
- 92
- Writers
- Mark A. Altman , Dan Bates , Dave Parker
1 ‘Alone in the Dark’ (2005)
Starring: Christian Slater, Tara Reid, Stephen Dorff, Frank C. Turner
“Being afraid of the dark is what keeps most of us alive.” Alone in the Dark is Boll’s crown jewel, his anti-Citizen Kane. This survival horror game adaptation stars Christian Slater as Edward Carnby, a paranormal investigator with a connection to a secret government experiment gone awry. When artifacts from an ancient civilization known as the Abkani resurface and unleash a horde of otherworldly creatures upon the world, Carnby must confront his dark past.
This project had potential, given the talented cast and a decent budget, but unfortunately, the characters are not much more developed than they are in the original Atari version. The plot is likewise derivative, stealing elements from films like Alien and The Relic but watering them down and awkwardly mashing them together. The awfulness of the writing is only exceeded by the wonkiness of the CGI. Worst of all, Alone in the Dark lacks self-awareness because Boll clearly thought he was making something fantastic. Consequently, it has been ranked among the worst movies ever made. It’s the poisonous cherry on top of Boll’s famously bad body of work.
This article was originally published on collider.com