Although it varies across each family unit, traditionally, the father of the bride is the one tasked with paying for his daughter’s wedding. In one family, however, the bride’s stepfather refused to fund her destination nuptials in Hawaii, even though he paid for her stepsister’s destination wedding in Mexico. Due to the double standard, the woman wrote to Slate’s parenting advice column, Care and Feeding, on October 28, 2024, looking for validation and asking for advice on how to proceed.
In her letter to the online advice column, the bride provided some background information, explaining that two years after her mother got divorced, she remarried a man who became her stepfather. Since he had a biological daughter from a previous relationship, the original poster grew up with her stepsister.
When her stepsister tied the knot two years ago, the OP’s stepfather funded his biological daughter’s destination nuptials in Mexico. However, now that his stepdaughter is planning a wedding, there seems to be a discrepancy in his financial contributions. “I’m getting married next year and want a destination wedding in Hawaii,” she wrote. “However, my stepfather is not willing to pay for it.”
The bride felt slighted by her stepfather’s preferential treatment, so she tried to figure out his reasoning. After discussing the situation with her mother, she learned that his decision all boiled down to the difference in their salaries. “She said that my boyfriend and I make much more money than my stepsister, which is why my stepfather paid for their wedding,” the bride recalled of her mom’s explanation. The bride was furious that she was being penalized for her job choice. “It’s unfair that one daughter gets a paid wedding and the other doesn’t,” she noted. “Our income is not the problem. It’s the principle that matters.”
Based on her stepfather’s favoritism, the bride is seeking revenge by opting not to visit her family over the holidays. She’s even threatening to disinvite her stepfather and stepsister from her wedding—a decision that her mom is begging her to reconsider. “My mother has been crying and saying I’m tearing the family apart,” she said. “I wish they could understand how I feel.”
In response to the bride’s note, the advice columnist explained that her stepfather doesn’t have any obligation to pay for her wedding because traditions surrounding who pays for nuptials have shifted. “I understand why this may feel like he’s prioritizing his biological daughter over you, but that’s not necessarily the case,” the columnist replied. “It could simply be about helping out the child who needs it. If you and your fiancé can afford a wedding, why exactly should your stepfather pay for it?”
The advice columnist then encouraged the woman to communicate her concerns to her stepfather rather than taking the drastic measure of skipping her family’s holiday festivities and disinviting her stepdad from her wedding. “It may be helpful for your stepdad to hear that you feel like he thinks less of you than he does his other child,” the person continued. “If finances are an issue (which is always a good reason not to have an expensive wedding), let him know that you could use some help paying for the wedding that you’d like to have. Perhaps he’ll have a change of heart.”